The Real Life Awaits

Hey everyone. I’m still here and hanging in. I’m sorry I haven’t been keeping up with this blog like I had been before. I’ve just fallen into a bad spot lately. I’m going to get out of this. I will not settle for living an eating disorder life, and I am going to give my absolute EVERYTHING into living a fulfilling, happy life that is full of love and joy. I will never give up. Who’s with me?

So this really IS a rough patch. I binged again. But you know what? I have a new plan. I’m going to plan out all my meals for the week, cook them WAY ahead of time. Each day I’m going to take out of the fridge everything I plan to eat for that day. Then my boyfriend is locking the fridge so that I dont binge. We just went out and bought a lock from wal mart. We’re installing it in the morning. Sounds crazy right? I guess sometimes you have to take crazy measures to reach your dreams…

  I’m just wondering what to tell company when they see a locked refrigerator. As terrible as the situation is, the thought of that makes me laugh a little…

Even though I’m struggling lately, I hope all of you are making YOUR recoveries progress. My thoughts are with all of you who are trying to reach the same ED free goals as me. Even though it seems like I’m relapsing now, I’m going to turn this around…I know it.

Whatdya guys think about all that I wrote?

Oh man, thanks to everyone who responded to my last post. It feels so good knowing there’s actually a support base behind me. You guys are angels. One of you mentioned for a tip, “Paleo” that stopped you from binging. I looked it up and apparently its very much a whole food diet, right? I’m very curious about this and am going to look into it further.

   Anyways, I just started my new job at the local animal shelter (actually just an internship a few days a week.) Now I just need to find a part time job. Until now, I’ve been working at the same place for so many years that I developed a real comfort level. Is it strange that now the idea of a different job scares the crap out of me? It seems almost like having an eating disorder makes me that much more fearful of things than the average person… I don’t know.

In any case, I did alright today with my eating. No binges. Does anyone have any thoughts or advice on the things I mentioned above?

I don’t know whats happening. I gave in again last night. I don’t want you all to lose faith in me because I’ve been binging more often lately! I know I can do it and that I’m going to be binge free by next year, I guess this is just a rough patch. The anxiety hurt so bad and when it hurts like that, it’s hard to get my brain working, never mind trying to think of tricks to change my mindset

   I binged before bed last night, I didn’t throw up much and as a result, my full stomach barely allowed me any sleep. At 2:30 AM I was awake and my brain was racing. I’m not going to let guilt control me. Like the saying goes, “bravery doesn’t always roar, sometimes it’s the quiet voice at the end of the day saying I will try again tomorrow.” I guess that’s what it is this time and I’m not giving up. Today I ate extremely well, and my new plan of action (while I’m in this especially out of focus prone to binge phase) is to make sure there are ABSOLUTELY no trigger foods in the apartment. Nothing that I can snack on, only things that I need to cook first. Does anybody have any tips for me? Thoughts?

Hanging in and trying to think back to a time when I was really positive and really sure about my life and my self. I’m pretending that I feel that exact same way now. I figure that if I can generate as many of those good feelings as possible, it will be easier for me to fight off any obsessive eating.